So, maybe I'm just over analyzing things again, but somehow, I feel like it's worth it.
I feel like lately I've been putting on a facade every morning. Not sure exactly what it is that's causing me to feel this way. I feel like I've put up so many walls to keep out the cold, and it's starting to have its drawbacks.
I wish I could fully explain what's been going on, but there's just too much to really get into I suppose.
I'm trying to figure out where I've been going with my life, and it seems like I've just gone in one big circle. I don't know why though. I'm trying to hard to just please everyone around me, and I'm not really giving myself enough air to breathe. I feel like I'm starting to sink. Slowly, I am falling into what feels like an endless abyss of just chaos and fear.
Something is happening to me, but I just don't know what it is. My world seems to be crashing down around me and I have no way of stopping it.
So what do I do? Do I try to keep my head up above, or do I just let it all come crashing down on me and rebuild?
Lately, I feel like I'm slipping into madness. Chaos is a strange thing. But the one thing about it that seems so interesting, is that it's fair. Chaos is fair. In a world filled with madness and selfishness, chaos seems to be the only thing that makes sense.
My love life is null and void. There really isn't anything happening there at all. I've lost the one that I love, and it seems that whenever I express interest in someone, it backfires. Not exactly sure how it happens, but it just does. I've built up these walls, you see? I mentioned it earlier. The walls are keeping out the harm, and the cold, and bitterness of the world. I'm not quite ready to tear down the walls. I'm still incredibly torn up over the whole situation, and still feeling incredibly lost. I feel like I'm not really doing much with my life. It pretty much sucks.
I'm starting to hate my job at Best Buy. Everyone there is just so uptight over nothing. It's just Best Buy. Get over it. Stop trying to get me to sell magazines when all the people wanna do is pay for their crap and leave. No one wants to hear about the magazines. No one really wants them. Sure, it's profit for you guys. But guess what! It's not always about money. Life is not about money.
Sure we use money to buy things that will make us happy and things that will be useful to us, but that's not what makes life. Why the hell would I want a life where all I'm concerned about is money. It's stupid. That's not life. That's work. Working to make money.
Tangent, I know. Anyway. I got a call from her again today. She mentioned something about not writing shitty music. Kinda funny I suppose. But that was really the only reason she called me. Still not sure why she felt compelled to do so, but hey, what can I do, right? I asked her what she was up to. She told me she was on her way to his house. Still made my stomach a little uneasy. Not sure why.
What is wrong with me? Can someone tell me? Is there something about me that I don't understand? I feel like I should know who I am by this point in my life.
Maybe I'll find out one day. I hope I find out sooner than later. It would be so relieving if I could just stop stressing about everything.
For all of you who think I'm just some carefree, la-de-da, happy-go-lucky, I-could-give-a-shit kid, you're wrong. It's the facade. I have this tendency to just pretend that everything is going to be OK; that everything will just make itself better; that everything will just fall into place. I know that it will fall into place, but it seems like it needs something. It needs a little push. Where that push is gonna come from, I'm not exactly sure. I guess I'll just have to keep looking, and waiting, and figuring it out.
"I keep forgetting when the Earth turned slowly. So I just waited till the lights come on again. I lost my place, but I can't stop this story. I'll find my way, but until then, I'm only spinning."
-Jack's Mannequin
I feel like lately I've been putting on a facade every morning. Not sure exactly what it is that's causing me to feel this way. I feel like I've put up so many walls to keep out the cold, and it's starting to have its drawbacks.
I wish I could fully explain what's been going on, but there's just too much to really get into I suppose.
I'm trying to figure out where I've been going with my life, and it seems like I've just gone in one big circle. I don't know why though. I'm trying to hard to just please everyone around me, and I'm not really giving myself enough air to breathe. I feel like I'm starting to sink. Slowly, I am falling into what feels like an endless abyss of just chaos and fear.
Something is happening to me, but I just don't know what it is. My world seems to be crashing down around me and I have no way of stopping it.
So what do I do? Do I try to keep my head up above, or do I just let it all come crashing down on me and rebuild?
Lately, I feel like I'm slipping into madness. Chaos is a strange thing. But the one thing about it that seems so interesting, is that it's fair. Chaos is fair. In a world filled with madness and selfishness, chaos seems to be the only thing that makes sense.
My love life is null and void. There really isn't anything happening there at all. I've lost the one that I love, and it seems that whenever I express interest in someone, it backfires. Not exactly sure how it happens, but it just does. I've built up these walls, you see? I mentioned it earlier. The walls are keeping out the harm, and the cold, and bitterness of the world. I'm not quite ready to tear down the walls. I'm still incredibly torn up over the whole situation, and still feeling incredibly lost. I feel like I'm not really doing much with my life. It pretty much sucks.
I'm starting to hate my job at Best Buy. Everyone there is just so uptight over nothing. It's just Best Buy. Get over it. Stop trying to get me to sell magazines when all the people wanna do is pay for their crap and leave. No one wants to hear about the magazines. No one really wants them. Sure, it's profit for you guys. But guess what! It's not always about money. Life is not about money.
Sure we use money to buy things that will make us happy and things that will be useful to us, but that's not what makes life. Why the hell would I want a life where all I'm concerned about is money. It's stupid. That's not life. That's work. Working to make money.
Tangent, I know. Anyway. I got a call from her again today. She mentioned something about not writing shitty music. Kinda funny I suppose. But that was really the only reason she called me. Still not sure why she felt compelled to do so, but hey, what can I do, right? I asked her what she was up to. She told me she was on her way to his house. Still made my stomach a little uneasy. Not sure why.
What is wrong with me? Can someone tell me? Is there something about me that I don't understand? I feel like I should know who I am by this point in my life.
Maybe I'll find out one day. I hope I find out sooner than later. It would be so relieving if I could just stop stressing about everything.
For all of you who think I'm just some carefree, la-de-da, happy-go-lucky, I-could-give-a-shit kid, you're wrong. It's the facade. I have this tendency to just pretend that everything is going to be OK; that everything will just make itself better; that everything will just fall into place. I know that it will fall into place, but it seems like it needs something. It needs a little push. Where that push is gonna come from, I'm not exactly sure. I guess I'll just have to keep looking, and waiting, and figuring it out.
"I keep forgetting when the Earth turned slowly. So I just waited till the lights come on again. I lost my place, but I can't stop this story. I'll find my way, but until then, I'm only spinning."
-Jack's Mannequin
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