Hallelujah

I've heard there was a secret chord that David played and it pleased the Lord,
but you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this: the fourth , the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift.
The baffled King composing Hallelujah.
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah.

Your faith was strong but you needed proof,
You saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you.
She tied you to kitchen chair.
She broke your throne, she cut your hair.
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah.
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah.

Maybe I have been here before, I know this room, I've walked this floor,
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march.
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah.

There was a time you let me know what's really going on below,
but now you never show it to me do you?
And remember when I moved in you, the holy dark was moving too.
And every breath we drew was hallelujah.
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah.

Maybe there's a God above and all I ever learned from love
was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you.
And it's not a cry you can hear night,
it's not somebody who's seen the light.
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah.

Did I miss something? Where's the memo on this?

I totally feel like I missed something recently...

When did it become OK to totally just make your co-workers feel like crap when they forget something or don't know a particular thing?

Yeah, that's been happening to me at Best Buy. I quit. Seriously. Yet, they want me to try to get my shifts covered so it's OK for me to quit. I'm sorry, but I disagree. They can't do anything about it if I don't call in or don't show up. They can't take me to court. I never signed a contract with them.

So, I don't pitch the magazine spiel during every single sale. I'm sorry, but no one wants to hear about fucking magazines when they're paying for their stuff. No one. I know I hate it. I mean, it's totally alright to pitch the extended warranty spiel because that's gonna benefit the customer in the end. But magazines?! Really Best Buy?! Really?! Don't be that guy.

Oh wait... you can't help it. Because all you care about is money.

It's not about money. It's just not.

See, I love my job at Legoland. They actually treat me like a human being, and they honor my requests, and they learn to work around the problems. If I change my availability with them, they don't question it. They know that my life doesn't revolve around that job. I mean sure, I make my schedules around it, but it's not like they're gonna freak out if I call in sick one day.

There aren't any snitches at Legoland either.

A couple nights ago, I got into a small tiff with a fellow co-worked at Best Buy. I explained to them that I have a moralistic issue with trying to sell magazines to the customers. My co-worker told me that I'm just supposed to do it, and technically, I could get fired for not selling it. Sorry, but I just don't agree with it. I think it's so stupid. What does my co-worker do? They tell on me. They tell our supervisor. Really?!?! That's so first grade. Come on! All you care about is yourself and your own selfish agenda. I'm glad you want to move up in the company. That's great for you, but you really don't need to just take out as many people on the way.

And to all the supervisors: get bent. It's just Best Buy. Seriously. It's just Best Buy.
Life is too short to just worry about your store.
I feel like Best Buy controls your guys' lives. Is it worth it? Are you happy? Do you like putting your blood, sweat, and tears into a company that is eventually going to collapse lie Rome?
My prediction: Best Buy will get too big for its own good. It will collapse from the inside, and soon, it will all come crumbling down.

So you know what? I hope Best Buy does go out of business. I can get the things I need elsewhere. I don't need Best Buy, and I know for a fact that the world doesn't need it either.

It's just another big, stupid corporation that isn't rich enough.

I'm not saying that I'm anti-establishment. I'm saying that I'm anti-big-corporation-that-could-give-a-shit-about-its-employees.

They don't care. I have a right mind to write to them and tell them that they need to start treating their employees with more respect, and try to keep their dignity in tact.

I was questioned on my integrity tonight.
Let's define that, shall we?

Integrity: adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

Let's define dignity now.

Dignity: bearing, conduct, or speech indicative of self-respect or appreciation of the formality or gravity of an occasion or situation.

Guess what! Working at Best Buy has really punched my dignity in the throat, and according to everything above, my personal integrity has been butchered.

So I was questioned on my integrity. If I continue to work at Best Buy, selling crap I don't agree with, that's me turning my back on my integrity and my dignity. So guess what Best Buy: I'm done. Selling a bunch of crap, and pretty much lying to the customers goes against my integrity and my dignity. So what if I don't get my shifts covered for the next week?! If I quit, those shifts become your problem. Not mine. I mean, c'mon supervisors. Isn't that why you're a supervisor? You know how to handle problems well, and you work really hard to make money for a company that eventually fall like an empire.

You guys are so tempting at first. Then you live inside the machine for a few weeks, and you see just how ugly it really is; just how cut-throat everyone is. It's despicable. Seriously. I wish I could shut the company down myself. It's not my cup of tea. Why is it so hard to be civil? I don't understand. You guys are turning into a monopoly. Be happy with that. But here's another thing: I'm still better than you.

Why do I feel like this again? Please remind me..... chaos...

So, maybe I'm just over analyzing things again, but somehow, I feel like it's worth it.

I feel like lately I've been putting on a facade every morning. Not sure exactly what it is that's causing me to feel this way. I feel like I've put up so many walls to keep out the cold, and it's starting to have its drawbacks.

I wish I could fully explain what's been going on, but there's just too much to really get into I suppose.
I'm trying to figure out where I've been going with my life, and it seems like I've just gone in one big circle. I don't know why though. I'm trying to hard to just please everyone around me, and I'm not really giving myself enough air to breathe. I feel like I'm starting to sink. Slowly, I am falling into what feels like an endless abyss of just chaos and fear.
Something is happening to me, but I just don't know what it is. My world seems to be crashing down around me and I have no way of stopping it.

So what do I do? Do I try to keep my head up above, or do I just let it all come crashing down on me and rebuild?

Lately, I feel like I'm slipping into madness. Chaos is a strange thing. But the one thing about it that seems so interesting, is that it's fair. Chaos is fair. In a world filled with madness and selfishness, chaos seems to be the only thing that makes sense.

My love life is null and void. There really isn't anything happening there at all. I've lost the one that I love, and it seems that whenever I express interest in someone, it backfires. Not exactly sure how it happens, but it just does. I've built up these walls, you see? I mentioned it earlier. The walls are keeping out the harm, and the cold, and bitterness of the world. I'm not quite ready to tear down the walls. I'm still incredibly torn up over the whole situation, and still feeling incredibly lost. I feel like I'm not really doing much with my life. It pretty much sucks.

I'm starting to hate my job at Best Buy. Everyone there is just so uptight over nothing. It's just Best Buy. Get over it. Stop trying to get me to sell magazines when all the people wanna do is pay for their crap and leave. No one wants to hear about the magazines. No one really wants them. Sure, it's profit for you guys. But guess what! It's not always about money. Life is not about money.

Sure we use money to buy things that will make us happy and things that will be useful to us, but that's not what makes life. Why the hell would I want a life where all I'm concerned about is money. It's stupid. That's not life. That's work. Working to make money.

Tangent, I know. Anyway. I got a call from her again today. She mentioned something about not writing shitty music. Kinda funny I suppose. But that was really the only reason she called me. Still not sure why she felt compelled to do so, but hey, what can I do, right? I asked her what she was up to. She told me she was on her way to his house. Still made my stomach a little uneasy. Not sure why.

What is wrong with me? Can someone tell me? Is there something about me that I don't understand? I feel like I should know who I am by this point in my life.

Maybe I'll find out one day. I hope I find out sooner than later. It would be so relieving if I could just stop stressing about everything.

For all of you who think I'm just some carefree, la-de-da, happy-go-lucky, I-could-give-a-shit kid, you're wrong. It's the facade. I have this tendency to just pretend that everything is going to be OK; that everything will just make itself better; that everything will just fall into place. I know that it will fall into place, but it seems like it needs something. It needs a little push. Where that push is gonna come from, I'm not exactly sure. I guess I'll just have to keep looking, and waiting, and figuring it out.

"I keep forgetting when the Earth turned slowly. So I just waited till the lights come on again. I lost my place, but I can't stop this story. I'll find my way, but until then, I'm only spinning."

-Jack's Mannequin

A little lost...

So, I suppose I need to check in here.

Lately, I've been feeling a little lost.
Not quite sure exactly why I've been feeling this way. I know that I need to let go completely, but for some reason, something is making me hold on. I need to let go. I know that it's OK to let go, but I just can't for some reason.

Throw it away, forget yesterday.

I need to let it all go. But it just sucks. I feel like that once I let go completely, I'll lose everything.

I feel lost because I am confused. I am confused about how I feel about so many people.

The only person I'm not confused about is my friend Zack. He's my best friend, and he seems to be the only thing helping me stay together.

I'm keeping quiet till there're no more sirens
Lately it's hard to keep the hinges on with all the noise
The room is spinning, I have got no choice

Sometimes I feel like I'm not in control of my life. I don't like it when I have this feeling. Granted, there are some aspects of my life that I will leave up to fate, but lately it feels like I have no control at all.

Is this happening because she is gone? Does it even have anything to do with her? What is wrong with me?

She had a reason not to take me back into her care
Oh, I'm just a stray dog now; I can beg or bow
Just give me some direction

Things seem to be falling into place...

Sooooooo

I GOT THE LEAD ROLE IN A MUSICAL!! HOLY COW!

This is my first actual lead in a musical and I could not be any more excited about it! Anything Goes - Billy Crocker.

I remember when it was my freshman year in high school, and Anything Goes was the production that was being put on. I didn't get the chance to be in it then, but finally, things have come full circle, and now I am the LEAD! Not just any part; THE LEAD! Wow. It is far too overwhelming.

I change the colors a lot. Haha. Oh well, bear with me. I seriously doubt anyone is even reading this, but oh well, I'll pretend that someone is.

I guess I should wrap this up.
A girl that I liked recently has just gotten out of a relationship... I'm not exactly sure what the story is, but that's OK. I suppose I should stop looking for a girlfriend... meh...

I honestly wish I could have someone who could just give their love to me, and I could give my love to them. I miss that feeling of giving. It sucks when you try to give your love to someone, and then they disown you for it. I want that love back. It sucks when your ex calls you up and tells you that they still see you in their future.

I mean, what the hell am I supposed to think when you say that to me?! How do you want me to feel? You tell me not to get excited; not to get my hopes up... well then please, don't say things like that to me. Please don't, unless you want to get back with me, please don't say that...



"And I have travelled far and I've seen things that I'd rather not say. When you're travelin' it's better that way. The darker the secret, the harder you'll keep it. But it's no victory; always running away like I do. Always know that I'll come back to you." - Jack's Mannequin

Blah blah blah

Blah blah blah blah blah

That's just kind of how I feel right now. I'm actually pretty tired, and I am considering going to bed. I do enjoy sleeping... a lot. Probably a helluva lot more than I rightfully should. Maybe it's not so bad though...

Ever have one of those days where you feel like you're just slowly sliding off the face of the planet? Yeah, well it happened recently and I didn't write about it in my earlier blog.

Why is it that sometimes when things feel right, you know in the back of your mind that it's wrong? Why does this always end up happening? I will never seem to figure out why.

It's getting closer to midnight, and my eyelids are starting to get a little heavy. I hate the fact that I always start to think to most right before I go to bed. Going to bed is supposed to be peaceful and relaxing. But no, my mind hates me and then just kicks up every single time I even consider going to bed...

I'm not sure why I fight going to bed sometimes. Maybe it's the fact that I'm scared that I will dream. Sometimes I just hate dreaming. Sometimes dreams control me and it makes me uncomfortable. Dreaming does have a positive side though. It does give me an opportunity to work out problems I may have in the world awake.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I never did move to New York... How different would my life be? Probably incredibly different. I would never have met her... I would never have made as many friends as I did, and I never would have experienced the things that I did...

Until next time,

I'm dropping out into the so unknown...

First Entry

OK

So this is my first blog on this website. I found this website through someone else, so I'm gonna see how this whole thing works out for me. I'll probably stop writing on MySpace. Good thing too, I suppose.

So today was pretty successful. I directed my scene with my two partners for about 2 and a half hours, and I seriously just cannot wait to see it go up on Wednesday. It will be a huge success; I can already feel it.

McDonald's isn't that bad I suppose. It was really cool that we got to stay in there for over two hours, and no one seemed to be bothered by us. Awesome.

I talked to my ex earlier. Nothing really exciting. It just sucks that I did have a dream about her last night... Not something I particularly enjoy, but I guess I have no real choice.

Tomorrow is gonna rock because I get to play The Joker again. Best Buy in Oceanside is doing a midnight release of the DVD and they are bringing me in just to scare people for fun. Can't wait.

Friday was my sister's piano recital. She did an excellent job for only being ten years old.
I met someone there. Well, I had met her twice before. Her name is Lizzy. She seems pretty awesome.
We had a long myspace message relay for about 2 hours the other night, talking about movies, music, and a little bit about life. I can't believe she's only 14. She seems pretty wise for being so young. Maybe she's an old soul... who knows?

Anyway, I guess that's all I really have to say for now. Maybe I will write some more later...

Till next time,

I'm dropping out into the so unknown...