It's been awhile...

Hey!

OK, so it's totally been awhile.  I suppose I'm really only going to use this as a personal reflection site than anything else.  If anyone else decides to read it, cool.  

It's been almost 8 months since my last entry.  Almost.

So what's new?

I'm back in school for another semester, and I'm really liking it so far.

Briona and I got each other Promise Rings, and I couldn't be happier about it.

My family got a puppy, and her name is Abby.  She's adorable.

I'm in the middle of a lawsuit with a company I worked for recently.  Bleh.

I'm obsessing over Next to Normal.

I have GREAT new headshots, and my resume looks fantastic.

I've been getting better at auditioning, which is great!

I have a couple more auditions coming up in the next 2 days!  Wow!

Briona is off in Canada at the moment preparing for her 6 month cruise gig.  Ew.

I am really happy for her, but the separation is just awful right now.

It's been almost 96 hours since I've last seen her.

I have about 93 more days until I get to see her; she's gonna bring me on the cruise in December.

I got cast in Lanford Wilson's The Hot L Baltimore and I'm really excited.  It's my debut in the UNLV theatre! 

I really miss Bri.  I know it's only been a few days, but I haven't even spoken to her since she landed in SanFran.  I just hope she's alright.  I'm not sure if her phone even works in Canada.  Oh well.  

She's finally on the road she's wanted to be on, and I couldn't be happier for her.  Her resume is going to flourish in the next 2 years, I can just feel it!  

We're planning on getting a house together in March after she gets back, but it may be a little difficult if neither of us have a steady income.  I'm sure we'll figure it out though.  She's way too smart to not make it work out.

I haven't written any new songs since January, but that's OK.  I've been focusing all my energy on Briona, and making sure she's happy.  

Lately, we've forgotten how to argue effectively, but I think we're getting back on track.  All I wanna know is if she's alright.  I'm sure she is, but it would still be nice to hear from her.  I hope this cruise thing works out for her.  She was having a lot of trouble with it towards the end of the rehearsal.  

Well, I have a month to kill with my show, so that'll help the time go by a little quicker.

-Jeff

Walking Down (Hard to Breathe)

I must come clean with you, Briona
Because these last few nights have been a perfect hell
I just can't seem to find myself
So please, just listen, and try not to worry 'bout me
'Cause this confession is on the start
Of everything I've always wanted to say to you
I'm having trouble living without you by side

I have fallen
Too hard for you
It's hard to breathe
Now that you're gone

I can't even seem to write these lyrics down
I can't focus on anything around me
'Cause the pain is just too great
'Cause you're gone off to New York City
Wish I could just find the right words now
To make you try and understand, Briona
I need you more than ever

I have fallen
Too hard for you
It's hard to breathe
Now that you're gone
And I'm losing sleep
And I'm paranoid
It's so hard to breathe
Now that you're gone

Please don't forget
About me
While you're
On
The
Road

King Lizzy

Heading out the back door, she’s falling behind
I guess that you could say time just ain’t on her side
She’s always moving forward, but a little too late now
Her heart starts beating at an alarming pace now
“Where the hell am I supposed to go?”
She can’t decide and just doesn’t know
So let’s create a world that nobody can see
It’s made for people like you and me

A world created for
The girl who needs to escape
Leave reality
Before it’s too late
She won’t be home tonight
So don’t expect to see her
‘Cause she’s the king in here
And she will be king forever more

Everyday’s a holiday, and she’s sleeping in
And now she doesn’t worry about where to begin
Basking in the glow of the fully lit moon
Each night is a perfect shade of dark blue
No longer hiding out from the dark
Opening herself and letting us in her heart
We created a world that nobody can see
It’s made for people like you and me

Bleeding Heart

Jimmy was a boy who wanted nothing more in this world
Than to have someone that he could call his own
But he never seemed to have any luck
And so he thought that he would end up all alone

Well, Cali was the girl that you could only find in your dreams
But she was special, and sadly, she didn’t see
That Jimmy wanted her all to himself
So he put his bleeding heart back on the shelf

And Jimmy’s cinematic memory will
Never be the same
Because

Cali’s leaving for New York
So Jimmy’s packing his things
And he’s moving out to Vegas
They wanna make a new start
But they never really got a chance
To fill in all the pages
Because the letter in Jimmy’s mail
Cut the time they had almost in two
So now they’re a thousand miles apart
“So, doctor, can you fix what’s mine?
This bleeding heart”

So Jimmy’s bleeding on the inside and it
Isn’t showing any signs of letting up
And Cali’s falling asleep now
In the city where she can’t feel Jimmy’s love, oh no

Every day that passes by without her
Jimmy starts sinking deeper and deeper
He’s losing himself inside his mind
Because he knows he belongs inside her heart now

And Jimmy’s holding on to something
But it’s something he can’t explain
Because

Cali left for New York
So Jimmy packed his things
And he moved out to Vegas
They wanna make a new start
But they never really got a chance
To fill in all the pages, so now
Jimmy’s heart is colliding
With Cali’s heart
But now they’re fading
Maybe this story’s ending
Won’t be such a perfect one
With the bleeding heart

So now Jimmy’s on the brink
And he doesn’t know who to turn to now
And so Jimmy starts to think
“We’ll be together somehow”

Jimmy’s off to New York
He’s packing up his things
And is moving to the city
He’ll finally get his new start
And they’ll finally get chance
To fill in all the pages, and the
Lovers kept holding on because they
Knew just what was worth fighting for
Just keeping strong and carrying on
Even in spite of it all, it was
A bleeding heart

Cali left for New York
So Jimmy packed his things
And he moved out to Vegas
They wanna make a new start
But they never really got a chance
To fill in all the pages, and so
Jimmy finally got the courage
To chase his dreams and the one that got away
And now they finally have each other
And they owe all their thanks to
My bleeding heart

Falling

It started out just like anything else
Had to put my heart back on a shelf
But then you said, "hey," and took my breath away
Caught off guard, and taken by surprise
Looking for the truth hiding in your lies
But now I've got something to say:

Well you said your heart wasn't in it to begin with
And you thought that you were losing self control
And with everything you break apart
A thousand miles of broken hearts
Well I don't want to be anywhere near you
When you fall

Played me like a violin and cut my strings
Nothing you can say will change anything
'Cause the damage is done, and now I'm on the run
Broken into two, and running from the past
I should've known, nothing ever lasts
You were too good to be true, but what can I do?

Well you said your heart wasn't in it to begin with
And you thought that you were losing self control
And with everything you break apart
A thousand miles of broken hearts
Well I don't want to be anywhere near you
When you fall

(She won't believe me
And she can't even hear me
Screaming out her name
Because I'm the one to blame
She won't believe me
And she can't even see me
Holding on to her
And I'll never let go)

the end of an era

So my relationship is over

I seriously feel like such a fucking idiot sometimes
And tonight is one of those times
I ended something that needed to be ended
So why do I still feel like this?

You might say it's because I lost something that was familiar to me
True
But I don't think that's why I feel this way

I really don't know why exactly everything fell apart, but it did.

She doesn't deserve to be hurt.
I can only hope that she is never hurt the way I hurt her tonight.

I'm sorry.

You deserve better than what I can give you.

I *was* having a good day...

Just get out on paper. That's all I really need to do, right? Just take all the thoughts that are frustrating and angering me and put them on paper. Well... a blog at this point. I didn't feel like finding paper to write on and get a pen or pencil. I've done enough writing today on paper. Had a mid-term; I had to write a lot. My hand was hurting halfway through. Anyway....

OK... so... why am I upset now?

Full circle. That's what happened. The same discussion I had with someone about 7 months ago is happening again. A very frustrating conversation that myself and this other person will NOT back down on. Neither of us know when to quit, and our stubbornness is too high to compromise. And now, that person isn't talking to me. I'm waiting on a text message to see where it goes... apparently, it's nowhere. And fast.

Why is it that I get so frustrated? Because I'm tired of this person being controlled by their father. This person is 22 years old, and yet their father still tells them what to do: when to go to bed, how late they can be out, making sure their eating right, making sure they're doing their homework. It's stupid. I'm sorry but it is.

I was hoping to hang out with this person tonight, but that's just not going to happen, because this person doesn't know how to stand up to their father. It's ridiculous.

Am I overreacting? Probably. But it still just gets me.
Should I feel like an asshole? Probably. I'm being one, I'm sure.
Whatever.

I've been trying the "I don't care" thing, but it's getting difficult.

So... now what do I do?